Actually, you don't have to punish your kids

When kids feel better, they do better

In last week’s guide, we introduced the concept of positive discipline — the idea that when children feel better, they do better.

We covered:

• Why traditional time-outs don’t work

• The power of teaching children instead of punishing them

• Why we need to be firm and kind with our boundaries

• The power of positive phrasing

• And more!

(In case you missed it, you can find the full guide here.)

This week, we’re going to share some strategies for implementing positive discipline at home:

Connection before correction

Imagine how you’d feel if your boss called you out on a mistake in front of your entire team. Imagine that they shamed you, blamed you, or were generally unkind. Would you want to continue working under their direction?

That’s a hard no from us — and we bet the same is true of you.

Now imagine instead that your boss regularly recognizes your talents, is warm and friendly, and appreciates your contributions. And, because they care about your growth and success, they also take the time to point out areas for improvement in a firm and kind way.

This person is much easier to work with, right? As a result, you feel good at work and are more motivated to perform at your best.

Our children are the same way. When we connect before we correct, trust is built. Our kids feel better, and they want to behave better.

For instance, if your toddler is upset about leaving the park, you might say, “I see that you’re upset. I’m going to give you a hug. We still need to leave, but we can hold hands on the way to the car.”

This way, your child is more open to your feedback and understands that you still love and care for them — even when they make mistakes or are upset.

Positive attention at a neutral time

We often give positive attention as a reward for good behavior. Unfortunately, this can mean that kids start behaving only because they receive our attention. Which means that as soon as we turn our backs, the good behavior stops.

Alternatively, we might use negative attention as a punishment for bad behavior. But kids crave our attention regardless of whether it’s positive or negative — which means they won’t be encouraged to stop hitting, kicking, or pushing. They’ll keep causing chaos, so our eyes stay on them!

So, what’s the answer? Here’s what works the best: giving positive attention at a neutral time.

In these moments — when your child isn’t acting out or trying to please you — you send a clear message: “You don’t have to do anything to earn my attention.”

The key here is to pay attention when your kid pauses to show you the picture they drew or the game they made up. Be ready to connect without interrupting their focus or neutrality.

This is how you can proactively fill your child’s “attention cup,” build trust, and get ahead of negative attention-seeking behaviors.

Offer meaningful work

Kids need purposeful work.

But in the name of getting stuff done faster, we tend to do things for our kids that they can do by themselves.

When we pause and let our children participate in life, we give them a sense of belonging, lasting confidence, and the satisfaction of contributing to their community.

If you notice that your little one is interested in a new task, take a moment to show them how to do it. This might be pouring water from a pitcher into a glass or peeling a clementine for a snack.

Whatever it is, try not to rely on verbal cues when teaching. Use your actions, moving slowly through each step. Then, let your child try — without interrupting or correcting them.

Of course, the first time your toddler pours water, it won’t be perfect. But as long as nothing harmful or damaging is occurring, the best gift you can give them is time and space to practice.

When in doubt, modify the environment, not the child. For instance, when teaching them how to pour, provide them with a child-sized pitcher and glasses, and don’t give them much water to start. You can also make sure they have an appropriate stool for reaching the table or counter, as necessary.

You might use a small pitcher and a tray to contain messes and even provide a sponge for cleaning up.

Ultimately, the more we incorporate our kids into our home lives, the more they feel like vital parts of their communities, which leads them to feel and behave better.

Consequences

What if your kid is just… having a terrible day? Directions are lost on them, they hit their sibling at the breakfast table, they refuse to wear a coat outside… What now?!

Here’s where consequences come in. There are two types of consequences we want to use in positive discipline: natural and logical.

Natural consequences are provided by life, without your intervention. If it rains and your child forgets an umbrella, they will get wet.

Natural consequences are excellent teaching tools in moments that might otherwise cause a power struggle. For instance, when your little one refuses to bundle up, you don’t have to argue. Instead, bring their coat and give it to them when they admit to feeling cold.

We can’t always use natural consequences, though, like in situations where a child’s safety is at risk. This is where logical consequences come in.

Perhaps you’re at the park when your child takes off their shoes. You don’t want them to get injured just so they can learn the importance of footwear — so it’s time for a logical consequence.

This might sound like: “When you put on your shoes, you can go back to the playground. Until then, you can sit on the bench.”

Notice how this isn’t the same as an arbitrary consequence, meant to shame, humiliate, or hurt the child for disappointing us. As soon as your child puts their shoes on, they can go right back to playing!

Logical consequences like these aren’t meant to be punitive at all; they simply state how the world works. When you do X, you can do Y. Until then, you can do Z.

Limit the use of “no”

As parents, we’re all aware that some situations require a hard and fast no (e.g., when your child is in danger of any kind). So, limiting the use of “no” doesn’t mean erasing it from our vocabulary. It simply means that we save it for those moments when it’s necessary.

Is it necessary to tell your toddler no when they want to bring a basketball into the bathtub? Not really.

Before saying no, ask yourself: Is this truly dangerous or harmful, or is it just inconvenient?

When we save our “no” for the moments when they’re really necessary, we’re less likely to spark power struggles — and we’ll feel more confident being firm with our boundaries.

You can also try replacing “no” with positive phrasing like, “You can use the basketball outside.”

Another way to limit the use of “no” is by giving your child options:

Give your child choices

It is possible to give your kid agency while still setting firm boundaries.

For example, if you’re at the grocery store and your child puts unwanted candy in your cart, you can say, “I’m not buying candy today, but you can choose some fruit.”

If they persist, you can still offer a choice: “Do you want to put it back, or do you want me to put it back?”

This is a firm limit that still provides your child with the freedom of choice. Often, this is all that’s needed to prevent a full-blown tantrum in the grocery store (and elsewhere).

Model how to calm down

When your child is mid-tantrum, the best way to calm them down is to calm yourself first.

Children learn how to emotionally regulate by imitating us and taking their cues from our behaviors. So, when we model calming down and regulating our emotions, we help our kids do the same.

When things spiral out of control, breathe deep, lower your voice, and show your child it’s possible to reframe the situation.

Remember, positive discipline does not mean letting kids do whatever they want.

Rather, we’re empowered to be firm and kind with our boundaries, to teach our children instead of punishing them.

This way, our kids feel better at home and out in the world — allowing them to truly do their best at every turn.

☀️ This week’s bright spots:

If you have one minute… Proof that positive discipline works — it just requires a little patience.

If you have five minutes… Learn how to raise kids who are self-disciplined.

If you missed last week’s guide… Read our introduction to positive discipline.