Actually, parenting can be peaceful.
For parents, self-regulation is the key to peace. Here's how to do it.
We’ve all been there.
It’s 7:30 in the morning and you’re trying to get everyone out the door for school and work.
One kid can’t find their shoes, another refuses to eat breakfast because “you got the wrong cereal,” and your teenager is missing the final page of their book report. Meanwhile, you still haven’t had a single sip of coffee — and you’ll need it to function today.
You’re handling this on four hours of sleep because a) your teenager conveniently remembered to write the aforementioned book report around 10 PM and needed your help, and b) the baby was up all night.
There’s no time to slow down. You’re juggling logistics, emotional outbursts, and the pressure to get to the carpool line. It feels impossible to stay calm when all you want is for everyone just to cooperate.
Rest assured, it’s normal to lose your cool when you’re sleep-deprived, frustrated, and overwhelmed. Parenting requires a level of patience and resilience that feels superhuman at times.
Of course, none of us wants to be the parent who loses their temper… but we also don’t want to let our children trample all over us (which only adds to our frustration). The goal is not to be peaceful at any cost but to navigate challenges healthily.
And through self-regulation, it’s possible:
What is self-regulation, and why does it matter?
Think of self-regulation as your ability to stay calm and collected, even when your child pushes your limits. It’s the skill of managing your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors during challenging parenting moments.
Regulating like this is vital, not just for yourself, but for your children, too.
Parents with poor self-regulation skills struggle to respond constructively to challenging child behavior, leading to harsh disciplinary methods that can ultimately harm their kids.
But those parents who are able to self-regulate raise more emotionally regulated children, leading to improved mental health and well-being.
When we can regulate ourselves, our kids learn how to do the same. Every time they see us pause before responding — rather than reacting — they internalize healthy coping mechanisms and communication habits.
More importantly, until our children are old enough to self-regulate, they rely on us for their regulation (this is called coregulation). The stronger our regulation skills, the smoother our children’s transition into self-regulation will be.
The question is: how do you go about learning this skill?
Learn how to self-regulate
Calm your body
In the heat of a challenging moment, it can be difficult to remain peaceful. That’s why it’s often helpful to pause and calm your body.
You can do this by closing your eyes or leaving the room and taking a few deep breaths. Begin to notice the sensations in your body — perhaps there’s pressure in your head or tightness in your chest — and breathe through them.
Another aspect of this is prioritizing your needs whenever possible. You’re always going to be better able to coregulate with your children when you’ve slept well, eaten a healthy meal, and had a few quiet moments to yourself.
And yes, we hear you — you’re far too busy for these things! It’s not always possible to drink a hot cup of coffee in the morning. Sometimes, your day begins with cold scrambled eggs and only intensifies from there.
Just know that prioritizing your needs doesn’t make you a bad parent. Rather, it’s the support you’ll need to be the peaceful parent you want to be.
Focus on your emotional response
Acceptance is the first step in making a change, right? So, accept your emotions. Name them.
You don’t have to pretend everything is fine, even for your children. If you don’t have space to feel your feelings, how will they learn to feel and process their own?
In other words, have a little self-compassion. Remind yourself that your feelings are valid and that you’re doing your best under the circumstances.
You can also practice becoming mindful of your triggers. When we’re aware of the specific things that regularly upset us, we can reflect — with a partner, a friend, a mental health professional, or a journal — and choose how we wish to respond in the future.
As Lisa Smith from The Peaceful Parent puts it:
“Awareness is like the compass that guides us towards self-regulation. It’s our ability to perceive, feel, and be conscious of the events, thoughts, and emotions that shape our reactions… it’s the key to breaking the cycle of reactive parenting and moving towards a more thoughtful, intentional approach….”
So, don’t brush off your emotions. Feel them and reflect on any patterns that arise.
Think about the situation differently
When you’re in the middle of a conflict with your child, it’s easy to fall back on shame and negative self-talk to diffuse the moment. But this negativity doesn’t help you or your kid.
Instead, consider using mantras or affirmations to bolster yourself. You might say:
“This is hard, and I can do hard things.”
“Kids want to do well and try their best.”
“I choose to be a loving parent.”
“I am enough exactly as I am.”
The reality is that many of the things that frustrate us as parents are developmentally normal for little ones. When they’re complaining about what’s for dinner, refusing to go to bed, and hitting their siblings, it’s not because you’re a bad parent. It just is.
So, instead of losing your cool, ask yourself: will this situation matter tomorrow? Will getting upset make it better? (Hint: probably not.)
Affirm to yourself that this too shall pass, and that you are a good parent who is capable of doing hard things. After all, studies have shown that when you believe you’re good at parenting, your parenting skills improve.
Overall, if you want to strengthen your ability to respond rather than react, the best thing you can do is get proactive — think, plan, and strategize for common challenges before they come up. Taking even ten minutes to reflect on an upcoming situation can make all the difference.
So next time your child has a soccer match (and you know they typically resist getting ready), instead of walking into the moment unprepared, take a few moments to anticipate the challenge. Ask yourself, “What can I say or do to make this transition smoother?”
Perhaps tonight you’ll try turning it into a game. Or you might lean on a more direct but empathetic statement, like, “I see this is hard for you, but it’s important to be on time.”
You might find in the moment that the situation requires an adjustment. That’s okay. The act of planning itself sets you up to respond thoughtfully because you’ve already shifted into a problem-solving mindset. This mental preparation reduces the chances you’ll get overwhelmed.
Self-regulation is an exercise that takes time, so don’t worry if you lose your temper later today, next week, or next year. There will always be situations that catch you off guard, leading to reactions that you may regret after the fact.
Your child is new to this world, and they’re still learning — but that’s also true of you. Parenting is a skill, and it takes practice.
Remember, the goal here is not to be calm at all times (which is likely impossible) but to form healthy habits so you and your children can regulate together.
☀️ This week’s bright spots:
If you have one minute… Kids who do chores from a young age are more successful in life.
If you have five minutes… Montessori at-home starter kit: five picks for making your home more Montessori-aligned
If you have ten minutes… How to help children develop positive social skills (hint: it’s not putting them in groups, forcing them to share, or encouraging them to play with others).