Stop biting and hitting!

Handing conflicts in the toddler stage

We’ve all been there.

It’s an otherwise beautiful day on the playground when suddenly, your toddler has a big emotional reaction. You hear a frustrated, “NO!” right before the other child begins to cry.

Your heart pounds as you realize — your toddler just hit another kid!

Between effusive apologies to the other parents in your vicinity, you rush over, pick up your child, and begin reprimanding them for lashing out. You’ve had this discussion with them before, but it doesn’t seem to be sticking.

Your little one is screeching, you’re mortified… we’ve been there.

The fact is, the hitting and biting that we notice in the toddler stage is common — but that doesn’t mean we can’t proactively help our kids work through this phase.

Of course, before we begin, we need to understand why toddlers lash out in the first place:

Why toddlers become aggressive

Any time a young child hits, bites, or otherwise acts aggressively, they’re doing their best to resolve an unmet need. These are usually things like:

• Not being able to communicate something effectively (but having big feelings about it)

• Needing a sense of order and predictability

• Needing space

• Needing something engaging to do (like practical work)

• Needing attention and connection from you

• Needing a sense of control

As parents, then, our job is to observe and try to understand our children’s unmet needs so we can use the appropriate strategies to guide them.

Our little ones are actively problem-solving and learning about their world, so it’s our responsibility to teach them healthy modes of processing and communication.

Here’s how you can get started at home:

How to handle toddler conflict proactively

Many of the strategies we use to handle aggressive behavior in our kids are proactive. They work to prevent future incidents, making those weekly trips to the playground far more enjoyable for everyone.

For instance, you can practice modeling appropriate behavior at home.

The next time you get frustrated with the family dog, for example, take the opportunity to demonstrate to your child how you use calm, but firm language to communicate the boundary. This communicates to your toddler that we use our words, not our hands, to resolve conflict.

(This works with cats, siblings, and your toddler, too!)

You can also give your child grace and courtesy lessons before they need those skills in a conflict.

In Montessori classrooms, grace and courtesy lessons teach students how to interact with others respectfully. Children learn how to engage their peers with kindness, empathy, and thoughtfulness, preparing them for all types of future social encounters.

For example, you might practice with your child what to say or do if another child invades their space. You can give them the language, like: “I’m using this right now. You can have a turn when I’m done,” or even  just: “I need space.” You can show them how to move away from the other child if they persist or to come find you if communication doesn’t work.

Proactive practice, each day before you go to the playground (or any other place your child will likely encounter triggering situations) helps them build skills to handle challenges with grace.

Another option we love is giving our kids engaging work that keeps them happily focused.

Many negative behaviors in toddlers stem from boredom and a lack of meaningful work. To be truly, deeply fulfilled, kids need to experience their self-sufficiency, whether by tying their shoes or sweeping the floor.

When everything in life is new and exciting, these tasks are like acquiring superpowers, not doing chores — and they’re excellent for keeping kids engaged.

On the flip side, in the moment of a big emotional reaction, we can employ more reactive tactics:

How to handle toddler conflict reactively

If your toddler is hitting or biting, intervene and redirect them.

For example, if your little one is teething and bites someone, give them a teether that clips to their shirt and tell them, “It is not okay to bite people, but if your teeth hurt, you can bite this teether.”

Or, if your toddler always hits other children when they feel crowded, intervene by saying, “It is not okay to hit people, but you can tell them, ‘I need more space please.’”

Whenever possible, try to phrase limits in a positive way.

Telling children what they should do, not what they shouldn’t do, is often more effective at stemming the negative behavior. So, rather than saying, “Don’t hit your brother!” you can try, “Put your hands at your side.”

The bottom line is that yes, we can be proactive about managing toddler conflict, but to do it well, we must uncover WHY the conflict is occurring in the first place. We have to target the root cause.

Ask yourself: which of my child’s needs isn’t being met right now? And then let their actions guide you toward the appropriate resolution.

☀️ This week’s bright spots:

If you have one minute… Watch our video on why we never force kids to apologize (and three other things you shouldn’t say to kids).

If you have five minutes… Read our guide on how to teach your children to resolve conflict the Montessori way.

If you have ten minutes… Read “Is Montessori Education the Solution to War?” on our blog.