Discipline your kids the Montessori way
Instead of time-outs, try this
What if, instead of putting your child in time-out, you gave them a positive time-out?
Most of us recognize “time-out” as a chair in the corner where kids are supposed to sit and feel bored or isolated until they’re ready to apologize for their negative behavior. It’s a tried-and-true system that’s been relied upon for decades.
But picture this: You’re two years old. In a moment of sensory overwhelm, you hit your sister, a silent plea for more space. Your parent sends you to time-out, where you stew over the unfairness of it all.
Two minutes later, still upset but tired of sitting alone, you apologize to your sister. You’re not truly sorry… but at least you’re not in time-out anymore.
What if instead, after you hit your sister, your parent recognized that you needed some space, shared how to respond by saying, “Next time, you can say ‘I need space please,’” and then they sent you to time-out. But in this scenario, time-out is a pleasant area with soft cushions, relaxing music, books, and stuffed animals. Yes, it removes you from the situation, but now, it’s designed to make you feel better.
Ten minutes later, after you’ve calmed down, you want to apologize to your sister. You didn’t mean to hurt her; you meant to communicate a boundary.
This is just one example of a new kind of discipline that recognizes that when children feel better, they do better. They can manage their behavior, think calmly and rationally, be flexible, and make good decisions.
This is positive discipline.
What is positive discipline?
Positive discipline focuses on teaching children rather than punishing them.
It does not mean letting kids do whatever they want. It doesn’t mean we forgo healthy boundaries or encourage negative behaviors.
Instead, we’re empowered to be firm and kind with our boundaries. For example, if your baby is teething and bites someone, you can give them a teether and tell them, “It’s not okay to bite people, but if your teeth hurt, you can chew on this.” In doing so, you draw a hard line and provide comfort.
Positive discipline also means responding to our kids instead of reacting to them. It’s the difference between leaping to your feet and shouting, “Don’t hit your sister!” and self-regulating, assessing what your child is trying to communicate, and then addressing the situation.
We want our kids to feel safe. We want them to feel connected to us. And this starts with a belief that all humans deserve respect — no matter their age.
When we respect our children, they naturally grow to respect us.
Positive discipline doesn’t punish
Dr. Daniel J. Siegel, author of The Whole-Brain Child, explains that when a child produces damage, there should be an equivalent consequence.
But this consequence shouldn’t humiliate or shame the child into better behavior. Instead, it should allow them to see the effects of their misbehavior so they can learn and grow.
Picture it like this: Your toddler is coloring when all of a sudden, they start coloring on the wall.
If this was a genuine accident, you can have the child help you grab a sponge to scrub the wall together. The child learns: When I draw on the wall, I have to stop coloring and clean it up.
But maybe it wasn’t an accident — and your child is testing their limits, on purpose. This is where you know you need to set a firm limit and remove the crayons. The consequence is clear: When I color on the wall, the crayons get put away.
(Imagine if the consequence for coloring on the wall was being put in time-out, or getting screen time taken away. Because these consequences are disconnected from the damage caused, they just feel arbitrary.)
So, what happens the next time you pull out the art supplies? You can give your child a reminder: “We use the crayons on the paper.” You can then show them all the different ways that crayons can be used: to draw straight lines, squiggles, dots, etc.
Note: We aren’t saying, “Now, remember, we don’t color on the walls.” That’s because positive phrasing is extremely important.
Positive phrasing matters
When we tell our kids what not to do, we remind them of the negative behavior that we’re trying to avoid. And in doing so, we make that behavior more likely to happen again.
It’s the pink elephant effect. If we tell you not to think of a pink elephant — whatever you do — what’s going to be on your mind?
This is how the human brain works; we struggle to process negative modifiers quickly. So, when we say “don’t” or “shouldn’t” to our kids, we’re only manifesting misbehavior.
On top of this, imagine the added layer of difficulty for young children who are still developing their receptive language. When you say, “Don’t stand on that chair,” four of those words are communicating the opposite command: “Stand on that chair!”
This is why positive phrasing is so important. It focuses on saying what kids can do rather than what they can’t.
“Don’t run!” → “Walk please.”
“Don’t shout!” → “Talk more quietly, please.”
“Don’t pick your nose!” → “You can use a tissue to clean your nose”
“Stop fidgeting.” → “Sit criss-cross applesauce.”
“Don’t stand on the chair.” → “The chair is for sitting.”
If you’re struggling to think of how to phrase something positively, focus on just these two words: “can” and “let’s.”
The word “can” challenges us to think about what our child can do, instead of focusing on what they can’t (e.g., “We can talk about it later”). The word “let’s” makes it easier to sound kind and implies an opportunity for connection (e.g., “Let’s get ready for lunch”).
This is a big topic, and there’s so much to cover, so we’ll be breaking this week’s newsletter into two parts.
Next week, we’ll be sharing concrete strategies for exactly how to start implementing positive discipline at home.
But for this week, here’s your challenge: Try to use positive phrasing whenever possible. If your toddler spills a glass of milk, your elementary schooler complains about cleaning their room, or your teenager procrastinates, lean on positive language to help them through it.
☀️ This week’s bright spots:
If you have one minute… Learn parenting in two words from a child psychiatrist.
If you have five minutes… Find out why punishment is the least effective way to teach a child to behave.
If you want to dive deeper… Read The Whole-Brain Child to better understand how your child’s brain works (and why positive discipline is so powerful).