Ya'll! Hi! ...Yes, young children are physically underestimated but they are also emotionally overestimated, and implying toddlers should never tantrum so long as they get trusted to do more physical activities is a great oversimplification and feels like click bait. Montessori can teach us how to properly hold space for the development of the whole child. A sign of success here is NOT having a child who never feels safe to show their emotions. Tantrums are simply how young children release big feelings before they are able to gain more skills to process, cope, regulate. This is incredibly important to normalize as part of fully respecting the child (and fostering credibility as a network who guides toddlers to gain these skills). I think your point would have been stronger if it focused on signs of severe/atypical tantrums rather than tried to claim tantrums are inherently abnormal, which they are not.
Thank you for the thoughtful reply, Jenna. We agree that some tantrums are, of course, a natural part of development. Recurring, persistent, and habitual tantrums, however, are not, and neither is it true that every toddler inherently has tantrums, just like it’s not true that every adolescent experiences alienation and rebels against their parents.
Our view is that it’s natural for a child to have a tantrum, just as it’s natural for a child to catch the flu. But you wouldn’t call either of these normal-as-in-healthy. In both cases—the flu and a tantrum—a child is operating in a less than ideal state, whether physically or emotionally. It's a state of deviation from the norm—a norm of good, healthy functioning.
So even though tantrums, like the flu, are natural and can happen without any moral failing from the part of a parent, it doesn’t mean we should ‘normalize’ them to the point of mentally throwing up our hands. We don’t think it’s good to normalize tantrums such that we accept them uncritically, think it futile to take steps to prevent them in the first place, forget to observe carefully in order to understand what the underlying need might be, or not take steps to help children develop skills to navigate them. We don’t think this would be any more helpful than not washing hands or not drinking plenty of fluids would be to prevent or recover from the flu.
Our title is intentionally attention-grabbing, yes. But, we believe this is for the very important reason of highlighting that tantrums are a state of sickness and abnormality, even if naturally occurring.
Mental health is not the absence of distress, and to say that normalcy lies only in the absence of these moments feels harmful to put out there. I think I understand part of your team's sentiment in generally wanting to normalize curiosity in parenting *particularly for perpetual power struggles and points of chaos* but that was allegedly intentionally vague in your article, which is problematic when it comes to balancing the responsibility of being attention-grabbing with the higher responsibility of presenting clear, evidence-based information on child development.
In my respectful opinion (as a parent and professional in the space of child development and parent communication), normalizing tantrums as part of child development *is* important if the goal all along was to spark curiosity for more prepared and connected parenting. We as parents do not need to fear tantrums to be motivated to understand them and support our children through them. Further, it feels like your team led with an assumption that this attention-grabbing fear was justified on the basis that parents are largely “throwing their hands up in response to tantrums,” which would only apply to permissive/neglectful parenting style and is ultimately dismissive to so many, likely in your own network, who are doing incredibly hard work to reparent, break cycles, with all of the actual evidence-based information increasingly accessible today.
Not only are tantrums natural, but in children who do have them, they can be a healthy release and cultivate the very opportunities for parents to observe and teach life skills relating to social-emotional development. It seems you stand by your framing despite understanding this nuance, which remains concerning to me, but I appreciate the holding space to have this dialogue!
Yes, well said! I too was uncomfortable with this generalisation that a child is not "normal" if they have a tantrum... or that the parent is bad for "letting it get to that point". The last thing we need is another badly put together, one sided generalisation that makes parents feel guilty or like a failure. The reason tantrums have become common place, is because parents are up against it more than ever... in that, most need to work and general life pressures are higher than ever! Yes, in an ideal world, we would love to pay the amount of attention to our toddlers that is required in order to prevent one single tantrum... but that is not possible in today's society. We have to teach our children that, to a certain extent, things will not be as they wish and we can support them in a nurturing way through the big, difficult feelings. However, we should not be demonising parents, but rather supporting them to do the best they can with the circumstances in which we all live. This is why tantrums are in fact a "normal" part of THIS modern life and so is teenagers slamming doors, etc.. The trick is to be aware of why these things might be happening and try (when possible) to support our children through these challenging times.
I agree with the body of the article but I don’t like the title. Because it is claiming something as an absolute but drops the context. Without reading the article and just taking the title at face value, one can interpret this as tantrums are not normal, and therefore it is important to avoid tantrums. So by this logic, parents may erroneously give in to a child before he even attempts to throw a tantrum. I know that this is not what you mean because I read the article.
Lol, not a fan of the title of the article. My 2 year old has thrown tantrums today about 1. having his diaper changed and 2. taking off pajamas and putting on day clothes. I could go on for a few more, nothing in this article speaks to that, except to provide annoyance.
To clarify, our point was not that parents can avoid tantrums altogether, although we do think it's possible to avoid persistent and habitual tantrums, and there are some children where tantrums are less common or non-existent to begin with.
Some tantrums can be a natural part of development, but in the same way the flu is; it's not a normal-as-in-healthy place to be, and we want to try to very carefully observe what might have caused it or what the child is communicating, what steps we can take to avoid pain points in the future, and what skills we can build (both in ourselves and in our child) to navigate through them, rather than conceding that "tantrums are just normal" and therefore thinking there's nothing we can do.
Ya'll! Hi! ...Yes, young children are physically underestimated but they are also emotionally overestimated, and implying toddlers should never tantrum so long as they get trusted to do more physical activities is a great oversimplification and feels like click bait. Montessori can teach us how to properly hold space for the development of the whole child. A sign of success here is NOT having a child who never feels safe to show their emotions. Tantrums are simply how young children release big feelings before they are able to gain more skills to process, cope, regulate. This is incredibly important to normalize as part of fully respecting the child (and fostering credibility as a network who guides toddlers to gain these skills). I think your point would have been stronger if it focused on signs of severe/atypical tantrums rather than tried to claim tantrums are inherently abnormal, which they are not.
Thank you for the thoughtful reply, Jenna. We agree that some tantrums are, of course, a natural part of development. Recurring, persistent, and habitual tantrums, however, are not, and neither is it true that every toddler inherently has tantrums, just like it’s not true that every adolescent experiences alienation and rebels against their parents.
Our view is that it’s natural for a child to have a tantrum, just as it’s natural for a child to catch the flu. But you wouldn’t call either of these normal-as-in-healthy. In both cases—the flu and a tantrum—a child is operating in a less than ideal state, whether physically or emotionally. It's a state of deviation from the norm—a norm of good, healthy functioning.
So even though tantrums, like the flu, are natural and can happen without any moral failing from the part of a parent, it doesn’t mean we should ‘normalize’ them to the point of mentally throwing up our hands. We don’t think it’s good to normalize tantrums such that we accept them uncritically, think it futile to take steps to prevent them in the first place, forget to observe carefully in order to understand what the underlying need might be, or not take steps to help children develop skills to navigate them. We don’t think this would be any more helpful than not washing hands or not drinking plenty of fluids would be to prevent or recover from the flu.
Our title is intentionally attention-grabbing, yes. But, we believe this is for the very important reason of highlighting that tantrums are a state of sickness and abnormality, even if naturally occurring.
Mental health is not the absence of distress, and to say that normalcy lies only in the absence of these moments feels harmful to put out there. I think I understand part of your team's sentiment in generally wanting to normalize curiosity in parenting *particularly for perpetual power struggles and points of chaos* but that was allegedly intentionally vague in your article, which is problematic when it comes to balancing the responsibility of being attention-grabbing with the higher responsibility of presenting clear, evidence-based information on child development.
In my respectful opinion (as a parent and professional in the space of child development and parent communication), normalizing tantrums as part of child development *is* important if the goal all along was to spark curiosity for more prepared and connected parenting. We as parents do not need to fear tantrums to be motivated to understand them and support our children through them. Further, it feels like your team led with an assumption that this attention-grabbing fear was justified on the basis that parents are largely “throwing their hands up in response to tantrums,” which would only apply to permissive/neglectful parenting style and is ultimately dismissive to so many, likely in your own network, who are doing incredibly hard work to reparent, break cycles, with all of the actual evidence-based information increasingly accessible today.
Not only are tantrums natural, but in children who do have them, they can be a healthy release and cultivate the very opportunities for parents to observe and teach life skills relating to social-emotional development. It seems you stand by your framing despite understanding this nuance, which remains concerning to me, but I appreciate the holding space to have this dialogue!
Yes, well said! I too was uncomfortable with this generalisation that a child is not "normal" if they have a tantrum... or that the parent is bad for "letting it get to that point". The last thing we need is another badly put together, one sided generalisation that makes parents feel guilty or like a failure. The reason tantrums have become common place, is because parents are up against it more than ever... in that, most need to work and general life pressures are higher than ever! Yes, in an ideal world, we would love to pay the amount of attention to our toddlers that is required in order to prevent one single tantrum... but that is not possible in today's society. We have to teach our children that, to a certain extent, things will not be as they wish and we can support them in a nurturing way through the big, difficult feelings. However, we should not be demonising parents, but rather supporting them to do the best they can with the circumstances in which we all live. This is why tantrums are in fact a "normal" part of THIS modern life and so is teenagers slamming doors, etc.. The trick is to be aware of why these things might be happening and try (when possible) to support our children through these challenging times.
Awesome. I agree with it all.
But can you deliver the same wisdom without the compulsive genuflecting to Montessori?
Is there an IP requirement to do so or something? Gotta be honest, it comes across kinda cult-y.
I agree with the body of the article but I don’t like the title. Because it is claiming something as an absolute but drops the context. Without reading the article and just taking the title at face value, one can interpret this as tantrums are not normal, and therefore it is important to avoid tantrums. So by this logic, parents may erroneously give in to a child before he even attempts to throw a tantrum. I know that this is not what you mean because I read the article.
Lol, not a fan of the title of the article. My 2 year old has thrown tantrums today about 1. having his diaper changed and 2. taking off pajamas and putting on day clothes. I could go on for a few more, nothing in this article speaks to that, except to provide annoyance.
The beef of the article, good information.
You put it very beautifully - the difference between what is normal vs what is common. It is so easy to confuse these too!
I’m curious, has the author of this article succeeded in raising young children without their throwing tantrums?
Hi Ginny, thanks for the question.
To clarify, our point was not that parents can avoid tantrums altogether, although we do think it's possible to avoid persistent and habitual tantrums, and there are some children where tantrums are less common or non-existent to begin with.
Some tantrums can be a natural part of development, but in the same way the flu is; it's not a normal-as-in-healthy place to be, and we want to try to very carefully observe what might have caused it or what the child is communicating, what steps we can take to avoid pain points in the future, and what skills we can build (both in ourselves and in our child) to navigate through them, rather than conceding that "tantrums are just normal" and therefore thinking there's nothing we can do.
I see, that distinction makes a lot of sense. Thanks for clarifying. :-)