Actually, tantrums aren’t normal.

Here’s what normal, healthy child development looks like at every life stage.

Don’t we all want reassurance that our kids, with all their strange (and often annoying) behaviors, are “normal”?

It’s normal to spend the toddler years in survival mode, right?

It’s normal that my kids hate school and don’t want to do their homework, right?

And isn’t it normal for teenagers to slam doors, call you names, never look up from their phones, or always be in a mood?

Well, these behaviors might be common — common enough to make them seem normal.

But they’re not “normal” — that is, they’re not a sign of normal, healthy child development.

The screaming, chaos, and melodrama that we’ve come to associate with parenthood are symptoms of a deeper, widespread issue: unhealthy development.

Is my child normal?

Childhood educator Maria Montessori defined “normalcy” in terms of healthy human development — not what was considered common in culture or society. This is “normal” the way a doctor might use it: meaning the absence of disease, or the presence of health.

Her vision of normal, healthy development looks slightly different from one stage to the next. But it looks nothing like what we consider to be “normal” today.

Here’s what we mean:

0-6 Years Old

Between infancy and toddlerhood, a normal child’s interaction with life can be summed up in the words, “Help me do it myself.”

This is the time when children are fascinated by life. They are constantly observing what exists around them and building their vocabulary. And they long to participate in daily life in tangible ways, exercising their physical independence.

This desire for independence is a developmental need.

Which conflicts with the conventional parenting advice that warns us of the dangers of, well, everything… leading us to favor perfect safety over infinitesimal risk, to do things for our kids rather than letting them try it on their own. 

And this is why tantrums are so common.

Our VP of Curriculum, Laura Mazer, said it best: “Montessori reminds us that when children act out, some developmental need is not being satisfied.”

To be developmentally healthy, toddlers need to perform real tasks. Which means they need the proper tools and our trust (and less intervention from us).

6-12 Years Old

Where toddlers are focused on doing — getting their hands in the dirt, both literally and figuratively — elementary-aged kids are all about learning.

This is when kids want to know why things work as they do. It’s a period of deep academic exploration and a need for intellectual independence.

Their focus is on mental order, and they’re still learning how to balance this with the physical world — which means that yes, they’re messier at this age.

Unfortunately, conventional elementary schools require our curious children to sit down, be quiet, and learn exactly what everyone else is learning. There’s no time for independent exploration or discussion.

Which swiftly puts a damper on their intellectual curiosity.

It’s not normal for elementary kids to be disinterested in learning — but it is common.

Normal elementary children want to explore, converse, and collaborate with their peers. Through group discussions and projects, they hone their executive functioning skills, including:

• Task initiation

• Time management

• Flexibility

• Organization

All of these are essential to your child’s burgeoning independence, agency, and sense of responsibility — tools they’re going to need in adolescence.

12-18 Years Old

We’ve all heard the horror stories (and maybe even experienced them for ourselves).

Our moody teenagers are expected to talk back, tune out, and otherwise give form to the phrase, “Don’t tell me what to do!”

And while it’s true that those words encompass what it means to be an adolescent, "normal” teens express their independence in healthy ways.

Between the ages of 12 and 18, their focus naturally shifts from academic to social independence. Building upon their elementary years, teenagers want to know who they are and what they can do.

This exploration — which began back in toddlerhood — goes far beyond college prep. Normal teens want (and need) to know that they can be successful in the world. And that question can only be answered if they are given the chance to act in the world.

In her book, From Childhood to Adolescence, Maria Montessori wrote, “After twelve years old, we must develop in the child the feeling of society, which ought to contribute to more understanding among men and, as a result, more love. Let us develop admiration and understanding for work and for the life of man to this end.”

In other words, there’s no need for a power struggle between you and your kid (even though it’s common).

While it’s tempting to heap them with responsibilities and “prepare them for the real world,” to meet their developmental needs, teens require the space to get to know themselves outside the family unit.

This means teens need meaningful work. It can happen on a sports team, in a debate club, at a part-time job, by building a business, etc. But no matter what, their work should help them build their sense of efficacy.

And in doing so, they can engage, connect, and love more deeply than ever before.

In the end, by allowing your child the freedom to develop their “social self,” you set them up for success in adulthood, be it in their career, relationships, or creative pursuits.

The normal adult

We now know that normal, healthy development in children looks like the capacity for real work, deep focus, and connection.

And we also know that this normal, healthy development is rare in our society. That behaviors like tantrums, disinterest, and moodiness are common — even though they’re not normal.

So, what happens when these kids grow into adults?

What are the behaviors in adulthood that aren’t normal, but common? 

And what does the normal, healthy adult look like?

They actualize the core values of their education:

• Knowledge — a love of learning, an interest in what is true, and the ability to integrate new information, life experiences, and perspectives into their view of the world 

• Work — projects, effort, the accumulation of wins, and the drive to actively shape their world

• Agency — the ability to make decisions and author their own life

• Humanism — the love of people, the world, and themselves

These four virtues are a clear shot at living a full, satisfying life.

These values are also rare, which explains why we don’t see many “normal” adults.

But this is what it means to be normal: to be healthy. To be capable. To be happy.

The normal adult is the person we hope our children will become, and the goal of our education. 

This is not a billionaire or a superstar, but a healthy, thriving, capable individual. 

She is someone who has a career she loves, and deep meaningful relationships with friends and loved ones. She is interested in the world around her and weathers challenges with confidence and humor.

So, the question becomes: why is normal so rare?

School doesn’t nurture normal children

According to Dr. Matt Bateman, our VP of Pedagogy (isn’t that a great job title?), the common-but-abnormal adult is a testament to the ways society fails to nurture our kids.

Think about it. At most schools, are knowledge, work, agency, and humanism the values children are learning?

Instead: 

• Children aren’t motivated to seek knowledge (or wisdom or truth) — they just need to pass their classes.

• Kids don’t learn to love work — they just learn to do what it takes to work the system.

• Teachers don’t encourage agency — they set the schedule and expect students to roll with it.

• And school doesn’t teach kids to love other humans — it teaches them to compete and see other kids as a threat.

If we want to raise children who grow into normal, healthy adults, we have to make different parenting decisions.

☀️ This week’s bright spots:

If you have 1 minute… 

Watch this video for an activity you can do with your kids at home to practice fine motor skills and independence.

If you have 5 minutes…

Read this tweet thread from Matt on how NOT to teach your four-year-old about neuroscience.

If you have 10 minutes…

Read our blog post on how to prepare for Monday’s total solar eclipse with your kids (and get ideas for activities to do together).