As parents, we have all kinds of things we want (or need!) to get our kids to do, like…
Leave the park at a specific time
Clean up their messes
Eat vegetables
…and the list goes on.
But so often our threats and bribes turn each task into a neverending power struggle — or result in children who obey when we're around but forget all about it (or actively defy us) when we're not.
So, what might happen if we redefined “discipline” in the first place? What if we stopped thinking of discipline as something we do to a child and started thinking of it as something we develop in a child?
We wouldn’t have to choose between “laying down the law” or being best friends with our kids. Rather, we would get to help our children build discipline within themselves.
Here’s why this distinction is so important:
Healthy discipline = no more power struggles
When our children develop self-discipline, they become capable of walking into any situation and asking themselves:
What is the best way to act in this situation?
How do I know that?
Am I living up to that standard?
Healthy discipline is an inner strength, a virtue, a quality that is honed over time. It is a genuine love of applying and controlling oneself.
When “discipline” only means “punishment,” kids never learn how to self-regulate. They never learn how to answer the questions above for themselves — something that becomes imperative as they face increasingly complex moral dilemmas later in life… right as they’re expected to start tackling these dilemmas for themselves.
You might be thinking, Well, this all sounds great for teenagers, but what about for toddlers?
The good news is that all children can learn self-discipline, even as babies. We only assume they can’t because the true nature of children is generally misunderstood.
We’ve been led to believe that kids are supposed to be stubborn, defiant, and otherwise unruly. That they like making messes.
But what Montessori teaches us is that children actually enjoy being self-disciplined.
How to build healthy discipline
In Montessori classrooms and homes, practical life activities build an appreciation for the feeling of being in control, of using one’s faculties and exerting oneself. This is the foundation of self-esteem and self-discipline.
This is why Montessori children are so obedient — not in an authority-pleasing way, but because they love the feeling of autonomy they get from participating in real life. An adult’s request is just another excuse to experience that.
This concept is what Montessori called “spontaneous self-discipline,” one of the traits of a child who has experienced normal, healthy development.
So, how do we actively encourage self-discipline in our kids?
While this list is not exhaustive, here are some principles that can help:
Build a love of self-mastery
To help your child establish self-discipline, you can give them lots of opportunities to concentrate on real, practical work.
For instance, you might ask your toddler to wipe the table after a meal. Begin by giving them a lesson and demonstrating each step of the process. Then, let them try it on their own.
These moments build self-discipline in your kids by instilling a genuine love of effort and being in control of one’s actions. The sense of accomplishment they feel gives them a massive confidence boost that they’ll want to experience over and over again.
Establish consistent routines
Household routines can be established through initial lessons and then reinforced through gentle reminders.
You might teach your little ones how to carry things with two hands, where to put items away, or what to say when they’re upset and want to be alone.
No matter what your routines and norms are, repeat them often, not by punishing or admonishing, but by revisiting the lessons when needed. This consistent repetition will help your children build self-discipline organically.
Prepare for new situations
The more a child can anticipate the future and practice self-mastery, the more peaceful new experiences will be for everyone involved.
For example, you might teach your children how to behave at restaurants by practicing at your kitchen table first. Or, if you’re going grocery shopping as a family, you might show them your list and explain that nothing else will be going in the cart.
This also works with more intense experiences such as going to the doctor’s office or dentist. Talk with your child about what to expect and practice ahead of time so they can self-regulate as necessary. This way, they’re building self-discipline in a calm, motivated, and joyful way before they need it in the heat of the moment.
Hold kind but firm boundaries
In general, holding boundaries with your children means being clear while maintaining emotional neutrality or warmth.
So, when your daughter hits your son in frustration, you can say calmly, “I won’t let you hit your brother,” stepping in calmly to block her hands and protect your son as necessary. Full stop. As opposed to yelling, “What is your problem?! Never let me see you do that again!” or gushing, “I know you’re so mad, but hitting hurts your brother.”
The point is to make your boundaries a statement of fact so that your child knows what’s expected of them and can self-regulate accordingly. You can still validate your child’s emotions, but you don’t have to use the scripted phrases that are popular right now. You can just communicate with words and body language that, “I hear you” or “I see you” and these are still the limits.
Entice your child
Rather than forcing your child to do something, entice them to do it.
This is where you must carefully observe your kid and get creative. Some children will be motivated by turning things into a negotiation, while others will prefer a game, a silly joke, or a fairytale. Self-discipline is an individual experience, so by speaking your child’s language, you’re giving them the best possible chance of developing this virtue.
For example, if it’s bath night and your child is resisting, you might turn it into a game. Play I-Spy or grab a watering can and make it “rain” from above. You can even ask them to choose a few of their favorite songs so they can sing along. When the playlist runs out, bathtime is over — they did it!
Keep in mind that many children are sensitive to manipulation, so this is the hardest tip to implement. You really have to practice the “me and the child vs. the problem” mentality to make this work. If any part of you senses that I’m doing this to trick my kid into doing what I want, there’s a big chance it will fall flat.
Address mistakes
When your child drops, breaks, or spills something, there’s no need to act upset or admonish them. The broken dish/spilled milk have done enough.
Now, it’s your turn to ask, “What should we do about this?” and walk them through the steps to clean up the mistake. Later, you can assess what caused the issue and how to prevent it in the future.
Addressing mistakes helps your kids build self-discipline by tackling issues head-on. They know what went wrong, so they’re in the perfect position to learn how to do the same task correctly.
Let your kids collaborate on the rules
Children under the age of six need rules and routines that are solid and consistent. They can’t yet think abstractly or project consequences well into the future.
But if your kids are over six, try letting them collaborate with you on household rules. Being part of the process of deciding what norms are followed can be a great way to give them more agency. It puts the “self” in self-discipline!
Children of all ages want to be disciplined. Our job is to give them the tools to do so.
☀️ This week’s bright spots:
Positive discipline works: This video proves that positive discipline is effective — it just takes a little patience
The inherent human love of self-mastery: Why children enjoy the practice of being in control of themselves — because it’s how they learn to live intentionally
Preparing for virtue: How to raise kids who make good choices
Succinctly written! Just faced a “power struggle” with my 3 year old and “I won’t let you hit your brother” just hit me like a truck haha I’ll use this phrase the next time!
I did all the “right” things when my kids were little. I now have a teenaged son who is woefully lacking in self-discipline and, having tried everything, I am now trying to accept that there is nothing I can do about it.