Actually, sharing isn’t caring.

Stop making your kids share. To encourage generosity, do this instead.

Put yourself in your child’s shoes.

You walk into a colorful playroom. You can choose any toy you want — a ball, a pile of building blocks, a car.

The possibilities are endless. But after careful consideration, you choose the blocks and begin building a tower.

Now, imagine that another child enters the playroom.

They interrupt your building, knocking down your tower and swiping the blocks from you one by one.

How dare they?! You reach to take the blocks back…

And your parent scolds you, forcing you to share.

How do you feel?

Conventional parenting advice tells us we should teach our children to share (and by teach, we mean force).

It seems obvious — after all, we want to raise children who grow up to be kind, generous adults.

But is that really what forced sharing achieves?

The obsession with sharing

It is widely believed that if we don’t train our children to share, they will grow into greedy, selfish adults with no off switch.

This is mine, that’s mine, everything is mine.

To avoid this catastrophic parental failure, we inadvertently teach our children that nothing is sacred.

We tell them to share their toys, their books, and even their snacks.

And as they grow, we tell them to share their time, energy, and talents, presumably to help others.

But despite the mental health benefits of giving, many adults are overwhelmed and even experiencing generosity burnout, craving “me time” and a mode of escape.

Our “sharing is caring” philosophy isn’t working.

Why is that?

Perhaps we’re approaching generosity the wrong way.

It can’t be forced (e.g., telling your toddler to give up a stuffed animal on command). True generosity requires a choice.

We want our kids to choose to share. Here’s how:

What to do instead of forcing sharing

We can’t coerce our children into being generous.

So, what can we do instead?

First and foremost, it’s our responsibility as parents to model thoughtful generosity for our children — in other words, to show them that they have agency over how and when they choose to give.

We’ve all made the mistake of overextending ourselves at some point — like committing to watch the neighbor’s dog the same week we volunteered to help organize a school fundraiser.

These situations teach us to think seriously about the time and energy we give to others.

So when our schedules are packed and burnout is creeping in, we can show our children how to say no with grace.

And when we do offer our help, not from a place of guilt or pressure, we can show our kids how good it can feel to share when you have agency over that decision.

Kids are smart. They know that adults get to choose whether or not they share.

So let’s grant our children the same choice about how to spend their time, energy, and resources.

What to say to your little ones

Next time there’s a showdown on the playground? Hold off on the unnecessary force.

Child therapist Magda Gerber suggests “sportscasting” our kids’ interactions instead.

Don’t say: “Anna, share the toy with Theo.”

Do say: “Both of you want to play with the same toy.”

Don’t: Give them a task.

Do: Narrate the scene. Say, “Anna is using the toy right now. Theo wants to take a turn with the toy when Anna finishes.”

This way, you’re allowing your child to choose generosity, showing them that you value their needs and trust them to make decisions. 

At Guidepost Montessori, children are taught to approach others with their hands behind their backs: to remind them that they can watch others play, but they can’t touch someone else’s items without permission.

What to say to older kids

It's one thing to solve the toy-sharing debacle in the playroom. But what should we do if we notice a lack of generosity in our older kids or teens?

Remember, our children’s mentality around generosity begins with us. Without the agency to decide when to share, it’s easy to view others as a threat.

Adolescence is a time when teens face intense doubt and social anxiety about their place in the world.

Volunteering can be a powerful way to help them feel capable — but it must be presented as a choice.

Look for ways to offer your teen opportunities that connect to their interests. This might look like:

• A ballerina volunteering at the dance studio

• A sports enthusiast helping out at the local community center

• A bilingual teen offering tutoring sessions after school

A kind and caring spirit can’t be forced, but it can be encouraged to grow.

And it’s never too late to instill generosity in your kids.

With teens, it can be useful to guide their thought process around sharing by asking questions:

Are they interested in volunteering? Are there any opportunities that appeal to them? If not, can they create one that does?

Our job isn’t to tell our children when and what to share. 

If we give them the agency to be truly generous, they’ll take care of the rest.

What is generosity?

What we want in our kids is not an instinct to share — in other words, your child’s willingness to give up what they love to anyone who happens to have a passing fancy for it.

A neighbor who expresses a fondness for your car doesn’t get the keys. A coworker who compliments your jacket doesn’t expect to wear it home. 

Instead, we want to build generosity.

Don’t force kids to share. Let them choose to be generous on their own.

We want to raise children who are kind, caring, and open. 

A generous person views other people as fundamentally worthwhile — not threatening.

If we force children to give up things they care about any time another child screams, we teach them the opposite. We teach them that other people are a threat to their values, safety, and happiness.

Forced sharing makes it so much harder for a child to choose generosity.

Your kid is more capable than you think — so don’t force them to share. Instead, offer them the opportunity to be generous.