The peaceful alternative to potty training

Here’s exactly how to get your toddler to use the toilet

If you’ve been subscribed to The Parenting Guide for a while, then you know that in Montessori, we don’t potty train our children. Instead, we practice toilet learning.

Toilet learning is an active process where kids build awareness of their needs, as well as the skills to meet those needs. It grants them both ownership and responsibility, instilling everything from motor skills to communication to the capacity to follow a series of steps.

And that’s why toilet learning is a crucial aspect of the Montessori curriculum. We treat it with the same dignity and care as we would any other milestone or academic subject.

In this week’s guide, we’ll cover every step of the process so you can help your toddler transition from diapers to toilet independence.

Step 1: Change up your diaper changes

Just like independence, toilet learning can begin with the littlest babies. All you have to do is communicate what you’re doing and why during regular diaper changes.

Then, as soon as they can do so, invite your child to participate by lifting their legs, holding the new diaper until you need it, or pushing their arms through the sleeves of their onesie. This way, your baby will feel less like diaper changes are done to them and more like you’re doing something important together.

When the change is finished, you can wash your hands and your baby’s hands, either with a wipe or in the sink. Again, this helps your child feel like they’re fully participating in the task.

Later on, once your baby can sit up independently, allow them to use a child-sized potty at every diaper change. The point isn’t to go in the potty (though it’s great if they do); the goal is to help your child connect the two activities. They’ll begin to view the potty as a normal part of their routine — before toddler defiance comes knocking.

Finally, you can begin stand-up diapering as soon as your baby can stand while holding onto something. So, instead of asking them to lie still, empower them to collaborate on their feet.

Here’s what a stand-up diapering station can look like.

Stand-up diapering enables your child to better observe what’s happening and connect what they see with what they feel. It’s also a great solution to the resistance we often face as babies become more mobile. If they’re standing, they can use their desire to move in a way that’s helpful to you, rather than fighting against you.

Step 2: Set up your bathroom

Once your toddler can move independently in the bathroom, it’s time to bring it down to their level. A step stool, a faucet extender, accessible soap, and a low-hanging towel are great places to start, making hand-washing easy for your child.

A faucet extender makes washing hands at the sink easier for little ones.

We also recommend placing a child-sized potty in each bathroom that your toddler will be using, as well as in any common areas or outdoor spaces where the bathroom is far away.

As your child gains self-awareness, you can retire the extra potties, but in the early stages, it’s helpful to have them ready for emergencies.

You can also place a small laundry basket in each bathroom so any dirty clothes have a designated drop-off. And of course, disinfectant wipes are helpful for easy clean-up.

Step 3: Switch to daytime underwear

After your child has mastered stand-up diapering and expressed interest in using the toilet, you can switch to daytime underwear. We like to start with training underwear because they have a thick crotch for soaking up liquid, but they still allow kids to feel the accidents that they’re trying to prevent.

In addition, we recommend simple, elastic-waist pants to ensure your little one can use the toilet without worrying about snaps, zippers, or Velcro. The fewer barriers to your child’s success, the better.

Start by having them wear underwear during the day while continuing to use diapers at night.

You might say, “You’re big enough to practice going pee and poop on the toilet, instead of in your diaper, so you’re not going to wear a diaper during the day anymore. Now, you’re going to wear underwear during the day. Here’s your new underwear — let’s put it on!” (You can also engage the child by giving them an option of which underwear they want to put on.)

By starting this process over a weekend, you’ll be able to take your child to the bathroom every 45-60 minutes, ensuring that they’re gaining self-awareness and mastery. Along the way, communicate to them that this is just the way the world works. Since they’re eager to learn basic truths about life, you can say:

• “Pee and poop go in the toilet.”

• “Do you pee and poop in your underwear? No, that feels uncomfortable! Do you go in the toilet? Yes!”

• “Grown-ups always go pee and poop in the toilet.”

When you notice that your child needs to go, point out the signs and invite them to use the toilet. With practice and repetition, they’ll notice these signs themselves and gradually be able to initiate more often.

Creating routines of when you go to the bathroom can be really helpful, especially if you start these routines early. For example, always doing diaper changes or inviting to go to the bathroom around big transitions like after nap, before meals, when waking up in the morning, and before leaving the house.

If you face power struggles, try warning your toddler by saying, “We’re going to use the bathroom in two minutes.” Alternatively, you can offer limited choices like which bathroom they want to use or which toy they want to bring.

Step 4: Switch to nighttime underwear

Once your child is regularly using the toilet during the day, and they wake up dry three or more times per week, the final step is to switch to nighttime underwear. (Celebrate!!!)

You might tell your toddler, “Now that you can use the toilet during the day, you can start wearing underwear at night, too. Let’s go to the bathroom right before bed. Then, when you wake up in the morning, go straight back to the bathroom. If you wake up during the night and need to use the bathroom, just come and get me, and we’ll go together.”

One thing that will make this transition much smoother is reducing the amount of liquid that your child drinks late in the evening. A good rule of thumb is to avoid fluids for at least an hour before bedtime, making sure your toddler drinks lots of water in the early afternoon.

In the same vein, take your child to the bathroom at the last possible moment before bedtime. You can also use waterproof bedsheets and/or disposable self-stick pads to make clean-up easy when accidents happen (and of course, they will!).

The end goal of toilet learning is not to train your child to perform unconscious behaviors or coax them into doing what you want. Rather, we want our kids to have full independence, from recognizing the need to go, to finding a bathroom, all the way to washing their hands when they’re done.

Before they can handle all of this process, they can handle some of it. That’s why we give them space to master each step.

And in doing so, we give our children a massive amount of confidence and self-esteem. They know they’re capable of being independent — and this is impressive proof.

☀️ This week’s bright spots:

If you have one minute… Watch this video on stand-up diapering.

If you have ten minutes… Check out our webpage of resources on toilet learning, including articles and videos.

If you want a full, step-by-step guide to toilet learning… Get our 60+ page e-book on toilet learning (it’s free!).