Stop tying your child's shoes

How to help our children help themselves

Think back to the last time you learned a new skill.

• Did you struggle?

• Did you get frustrated or discouraged?

• Did you mess up again and again until you finally got the hang of it?

Odds are, the answer to all these questions is “yes.” 

These things didn’t stop you. They were just a natural byproduct of the learning process.

And yet, when we see our kids struggle, get frustrated, or fall down, it’s hard to see it as “learning” — because it seems a lot like a reason to step in and help.

But if you want your kid to grow into a competent and confident adult, helping them each time they struggle won’t get them there.

Resisting the urge to help

Stepping in to help our kids feels like Parenting 101.

It hurts to see them get frustrated — and, if we’re being honest, it’s not always an option to wait for a child to fumble with their shoelaces for ten minutes when you’re already late.

But even though helping our kids feels loving (and efficient), it can also harm their development — because it robs them of the satisfaction of doing things themselves.

Doing things on their own helps our kids grow their sense of independence, which leads to higher confidence, self-esteem, and motivation.

That said, watching our kids struggle isn’t easy.

It can feel counterintuitive and even neglectful — especially considering that culture seems to reward the parents who hover, helicopter, and otherwise shield their kids from the world.

Risks and rewards

If we shelter our children from day-to-day responsibilities like shoe-tying, they won’t develop the confidence they need to succeed in more risky situations.

Like the playground, for example. 

If you saw your little one struggling, what would you do?

In situations like these, rather than immediately stepping in, we can observe our child and ask:

• How dangerous is this?

• How frustrated or panicked are they?

• Are they capable and in control as they try different solutions to the problem?

And, most importantly, we must ask ourselves: What is my child learning — and what lessons would I be robbing them of if I intervened?

Of course, the decision to let your child tie their shoes can be challenging (because it takes time, patience, and forethought), but letting them climb a ladder on their own? Well, that can be downright scary.

So… is the risk worth the reward?

A child learns by doing

Our children need to wrestle with the world to figure out how to navigate it.

As parents, that means our most important task is simply allowing our kids to go do things.

And it makes sense, doesn’t it? 

Imagine being engrossed in learning how to play a guitar chord, only to have the instrument snatched away from you because you took too long.

Our kids are similarly engrossed in their learning, whether they’re:

• Zipping their jackets

• Doing their math homework

• Building websites for their businesses

Taking away the jacket from your toddler is as overbearing as doing your teen’s math homework for them — because this is the developmental work of the young child.

And that work is sacred.

Having their concentration interrupted during these key developmental tasks is not only frustrating, it gets in the way of their ultimate quest — which is to become independent, competent humans.

But we don’t just have to stay out of the way in order to help our children get there.

As parents, our role is to create an environment where developmental learning is as easy and enjoyable as possible for our children.

That means choosing child-sized, age-appropriate furniture so our children can navigate a space without limits.

Or presenting a new challenge only when our kids is developmentally ready for it — so we can be confident in our decision to step back and allow them to figure it out for themselves.

The work of growing up is challenging — but our preparation of the environment can ensure that the challenge is surmountable and enjoyable.

Independence builds self-esteem

All of this begs the question: Won’t kids learn how to dress, feed, and clean themselves regardless of how often you help? Why does this even matter?

Ultimately, letting kids do things on their own isn’t about raising prodigies who reach developmental milestones before all the other kids (think: two-year-olds with knife skills, impressive though it is).

It’s about raising kids who have control over their minds and bodies, children who can: 

• Persevere through difficulty

• Focus on the task at hand

• Overcome obstacles with confidence

When a toddler can dress themself on their own, they’ll feel comfortable taking challenging classes when they get to school.

This confidence will drive them to put themselves out there for competitive internships as a teenager.

And as an adult, they’ll know they are capable of building the career of their dreams — even if that means starting their own thing.

So, yes. It's definitely worth the extra ten minutes you have to budget for shoe-tying.