Raising independent kids with the Montessori method

For healthy child development, kids need independence

Jul 25, 2024

When was the last time your child did something on their own? This could be something small, such as placing an order at a restaurant, or something bigger, like staying home alone while you run errands.

Interestingly, as parents, most of us agree that children benefit from doing things by themselves, without constant supervision. And yet less than half of parents report that their five- to eight-year-olds regularly engage in independent activities — a trend that continues into early adolescence.

Only 33% of parents would let their child age 9-11 walk or bike to a friend’s house. Source

We know children thrive on independence, but it can be hard to give them that space.

We get it. Often, we get stuck battling between what our kids want to do and what we believe is safe for them.

We don’t want to let our children learn how to prepare meals because the kitchen is overflowing with hazards: sharp knives, hot stoves, high countertops, etc. It’s a jungle in there! So, we set up baby gates and become very familiar with the word no.

But for kids, independence is more than a mere desire.

Montessori observed hundreds of children and recognized that agency — the ability to do things for yourself, to be the author of your own life — is a developmental need that starts in infancy. It gives children greater confidence, self-esteem, and motivation, resulting in fewer tantrums and happier kids.

In short, agency is foundational to healthy child development. And as a bonus, when we work with our child’s developmental needs, rather than fighting against them, parenting becomes a little easier.

Here’s why giving your kid more independence will improve the quality of their life (and yours):

Agency builds lifelong confidence

Agency results in earned confidence and self-esteem — because exercising their independence is how children build a core belief about themselves: I am capable.

When kids believe they’re capable, their confidence carries over into adulthood, where they can do everything from:

Overcoming physical and mental challenges
Picking a major and career path
Starting a business
Following their moral compass

Obviously, your child will learn how to prepare a snack, tie their shoes, and zip their jackets at some point. But there’s a brief window when kids are excited about putting on a jacket by themselves, a brief window when that challenge is just hard enough to give them the thrill of “I did it myself!”

In early childhood like no other stage of life, these opportunities to build lifelong confidence are plentiful. They come around multiple times a day: when cleaning their room, cooking a meal, or leaving the house.

If we miss those opportunities, we miss out on the chance to give our children the unshakeable belief that they can do it.

Why kids lack agency (and what to do about it)

Children working independently in a Montessori classroom.

It’s just a fact of nature that one person can’t learn something for another person. We can’t learn how to walk for our babies (though that would certainly make the process smoother). Rather, they must learn to do it for themselves.

But all too often, we rob our children of their learning in subtle ways, like when we pick them up and transport them from location A to location B without letting them use their legs. We’re handing them the results of would-be effort, which goes against their developmental needs.

When we guide our children toward agency — allowing them to develop their snack-making skills over time, for example — we work with their natural inclinations and processes.

Snack-making skills take time to perfect!

In this way, our kids become equipped to handle the stresses of life because they know they’re capable. They have tangible evidence of it.

The reality is that we can set up baby gates and say no all day long — but real life will still call to your kid. Your child will see you cooking meals and want to do the same. They’ll observe how you fold their laundry and want to try it for themselves. If you have pets, your kid will watch you care for them and want to help.

Because children want to be a part of real life from the beginning — not sequestered until we think they’re ready.

Yes, our parental instinct is to keep our kids safe… and their instinct is to become increasingly independent.

So, if we help our children build the skills they need (and remain on standby to explain key information or step in as needed), we can support their desire for independence while also keeping them safe.

How to give your child more agency

In the end, we don’t become competent adults because our parents did everything for us or warned us about every risk before we encountered it. We become competent adults because we have the lived experience of successfully conquering challenges on our own.

That said, here’s how you can start giving your child more agency in three steps:

Give them a lesson: Demonstrate the proper use of a material or technique (like a guide does in a Montessori classroom).
Let them practice: Give them time and space to focus, and try not to interfere.
Observe them: When they demonstrate mastery of one step, move on to the next.

For instance, you might begin teaching your toddler how to prepare their own snack by showing them how to spread butter or slice bananas. Once they’ve practiced and ultimately mastered these easy tasks, you can introduce more complex ones like dicing veggies. In the end, they have the confidence to handle kitchen tools and have fostered a love for cooking!

Similarly, you can teach your older kids and teens how to detail the family car. Begin by gathering the necessary supplies and demonstrating how you’d like them to wash the outside of the car. Then, once they’re comfortable with the outside, invite them to clean the inside of the car, including the windows, seats, carpets, and floor mats. These activities inspire both confidence and cleanliness.

Occupational therapists are also a great resource for effective ways to teach children how to be more independent. Try these tips:

In sum, the best way we can help our children become more independent is by supplying them with the skills they need to have agency over their own lives — a practice that starts at home.