Overprotected kids become anxious adults

We need to let kids have independence

Giving your child independence can feel a bit like taking off their training wheels — not just for them, but for you, too.

You know it’s an important milestone… but it’s also scary.

When confronted with the opportunity, it’s easy to say, “You know what? We’ll try independence later.” After all, it’s often easier (and quicker) for you to handle day-to-day tasks like preparing their snacks, cleaning the house, and getting them dressed.

But the reality is that children need independence to thrive. It’s this sense of autonomy that enables them to truly experience life and shape their character.

In childhood, kids build the confidence to:

• navigate the world

• make decisions

• handle frustration

• bounce back from mistakes

And it’s this experience (or the lack thereof) that makes them feel prepared (or anxious) when it comes time to start planning for the future as a young adult.

In other words, to set our kids up for success, we need to overcome the tendency to shield and shelter them. We need to let them experience their capableness.

Here’s how to get started (without jumping into the deep end):

How to stop fearing independence

There’s no getting around it — giving your child independence will feel uncomfortable at first.

But that doesn’t mean it’s bad or wrong. It actually just means you’re trying something new.

Think about it like this: we take risks with our kids all the time, right? We’re constantly loading them into the family car and driving them to school, the grocery store, etc.

Driving with our children is a risky thing. We take steps to make the car safer for them, such as using booster seats and seatbelts, but we’ve determined that the risk is worth the reward. At the end of the day, we know that bringing our kids to school and extracurricular activities is worth the small risk of transporting them there.

Independence is the same. It’s worth the small risks of setting our kids up for future success.

So, take a moment to reflect on your specific worries. Are they based on actual dangers, or do they stem from worst-case scenarios amplified by media and societal pressures?

For instance, are you nervous about letting your toddler climb playground equipment on their own? Recognize that this is a small risk that instills resiliency and problem-solving skills. And these skills are essential to our children’s long-term security and confidence — two things that, as parents, we want them to develop.

On the flip side, shielding our kids from challenges may actually delay their development of critical life skills.

If you feel overwhelmed, start small. After all, kids don’t become independent overnight. You can work your way up slowly, starting with small, manageable tasks. Besides boosting their confidence, exercises like these allow you to grow more confident in your child’s ability to handle themselves in tricky situations.

Here’s how to get started:

How to give your child more independence

Begin by giving them freedom within a controlled environment. This might look like letting them choose freely between a set of limited options (both of which are acceptable to you as the parent):

• “Do you want water or milk today with breakfast?”

• “Do you want to wear the pink shirt or the green shirt?”

• “Do you want to put on the sneakers or the boots?”

It might also look like allowing them to play outside while you supervise from a distance. You can then gradually expand their range as your confidence — and theirs — grows.

The best way to know whether you’re giving your child enough independence is to know what your kids are developmentally capable of at their age. Here are some guidelines:

Ages 0-6

As babies grow, they can participate more in more self-care tasks if we give them space. They can help hand you clean diapers during diaper changes, for example, or start to practice feeding themselves once you start on solids.

Toddlers are capable of dressing themselves, washing their hands, and tidying toys.

By the time they reach preschool, they’re ready to prepare simple snacks, pour drinks, and follow multi-step routines.

A vital component of independence at this stage is an environment scaled to their size. Think child-sized furniture, accessible shelves, and easy-to-handle tools.

You can begin with single-step tasks (e.g., placing toys in a basket) and progress to multi-step processes (e.g., setting the table for dinner). Lean into your child’s eagerness to imitate you — this is how they learn practical life skills!

Ages 6-12

At this stage, children can plan and execute more complex tasks, such as helping create a grocery list for the week, managing homework, and helping with household chores. They’re ready to solve problems, make decisions, and contribute to family life.

Encourage responsibility by giving your child control over daily routines and introducing opportunities for collaborative decision-making. This might look like:

• Helping you plan meals, outings, and adventures

• Buying items at the grocery store

• Organizing their school supplies

• Feeding and/or walking the family pet

It’s also important to allow elementary-aged kids to experience the natural consequences of their actions in low-stakes situations. This helps them build their problem-solving skills and their confidence.

Ages 12-18

When they reach adolescence, children are capable of managing their schedules, taking on leadership roles, and exploring their independence outside the home.

They’re ready to hone their critical thinking, their moral reasoning, and their ability to complete real-world tasks like budgeting and volunteering.

As a parent, you can support your teen’s exploration of the wider world while providing a safe home base. Give them ownership of responsibilities like:

• Maintaining a calendar

• Cooking meals

• Managing volunteer hours or part-time work

• Budgeting for a family vacation

Remember to discuss and set clear boundaries around autonomy, ensuring that your child understands the importance of accountability.

Because they’ll need accountability — now and in adulthood.

We can’t shelter our children from everything, but we can set them up for success by letting them experience how capable they are from an early age.

☀️ This week’s bright spots:

If you have one minute… Parents of independent, confident children do these 7 things.

If you have ten minutes… Read our guide on risky play — a developmentally necessary type of play that most kids don’t get enough of.

If you have one hour… Listen to this podcast with Lenore Skenazy on why it’s so hard to let our kids experience risks (and why we absolutely must).