Don’t do too much for your kids

Stealing the struggle = stealing their self-esteem

When was the last time you observed your child doing something that they struggled with? 

Maybe your toddler was working on a puzzle and struggled to fit the first few pieces together. Or maybe your teen was trying to find where they took a wrong turn on a tough math problem. 

Though scenarios like this can be uncomfortable for our kids (and for us as parents to witness!), being able to withstand frustration is a core skill for achieving success in every stage of life.

Dr. Becky refers to this as “frustration tolerance.” And she says it’s a skill that we can actually teach our kids.

Here’s why we should:

Frustration tolerance breeds success

Those who can’t tolerate frustration can’t achieve lasting success.

The ability to tinker with something, feel confused, struggle to understand, bounce back from failure, and try something brand-new are all prerequisite skills your child needs to be able to figure things out, build competence, and ultimately triumph.

“There are a million little things that kids need to learn — all of which are full of frustration at first,” says Dr. Becky.

For example, if your child wants to learn how to play the piano, they need to be willing to start. At first, there will be a lot of sour notes and a slow deciphering of their sheet music. But over time, as they push through the frustration, beginner-level notes and patterns become full songs.

The more our kids build their frustration tolerance, the more it can be experienced as natural and even enjoyable. They begin to associate challenge with success, learning with achievement, and effort with fulfillment.

Because frustration is one of the most common emotions in students, teens with higher frustration tolerance also have higher GPAs and test scores. This same tolerance enables them to progress toward college degrees and succeed in the workforce.

Moreover, research shows that those with high frustration tolerance have higher IQs, more self-control, and more courage.

But to help our kids build frustration tolerance, we as parents have to do something very difficult.

We have to let them struggle.

Don’t steal the struggle

As parents, our instinct is to solve our children’s problems for them. We want to step in when they’re frustrated and take some of the pressure off the situation. It’s why we…

• Tie our toddlers’ shoes for them to get them out the door faster

• Let our kids have a snack five minutes before dinner to avoid a huge meltdown

• Allow our teens to quit a sport they enjoy because they lost the big game and dread failure

But if you step in every time your child feels frustrated, they’ll grow up expecting others to take away their frustration, believing that someone else can handle their hard feelings for them.

Worst of all, they will believe that they aren’t capable and should give up when things get hard. And of course, we don’t want this!

So, next time you’re tempted to steal your child’s struggle, remember that you’re also inadvertently stealing their self-esteem.

“If you do too much for them, you will steal their self-esteem. So when they give you a problem, don’t go fix it for them… Kids become competent when they solve their own problems.” (@doc_amen)

So, proactively speaking, how do we build this tolerance in our kids?

We create opportunities for them to practice being frustrated, in small doses with surmountable challenges that mean a lot to them — and this is exactly what a Montessori classroom does.

An environment designed to build frustration tolerance

The entire Montessori approach is designed to help children build knowledge, capability, and agency so they can conquer new challenges with confidence.

This is made possible by the Montessori classroom environment, which provides ample opportunities to practice frustration tolerance with delightful activities the children can’t wait to take part in:

• Babies work for months to learn how to drink from a tiny, open glass. At first, the water spills, but over time, they gain competency.

• Toddlers work with materials like the cylinder blocks, which are self-correcting. If one block is out of place, they won’t all fit, so kids can make adjustments on their own.

• All students have designated work periods where they are uninterrupted. This enables them to focus on their studies and projects without unnecessary distractions.

The teachers in a Montessori classroom, who are called guides, don’t interrupt students while they’re focused on a challenging task. Rather, they let the children work and problem-solve for themselves, only stepping in with the minimum amount of help necessary to help a child get unstuck.

But what makes a Montessori classroom especially unique is that each challenge your child faces in this environment is designed to be just the right amount of challenging. Your toddler won’t encounter anything they’re not developmentally, physically, or cognitively ready to take on. 

Outside the classroom, our kids are often going to run into challenges that are genuinely too difficult for them (at which point, letting them struggle just causes them to feel incompetent). Or, they might never run into any real challenges, in which case, they’ll be bored (and their self-esteem might falter when they finally do run into something difficult as adults). 

But ideal challenges are everywhere in a Montessori classroom. And our guides are always observing children to carefully calibrate new lessons to a child’s ability.

Here’s how you can do the same at home:

Let your child face their own challenges

Source: Daniel Willingham

The Montessori environment is full of materials designed to provide just the right amount of challenge. But how do we make sure our children are getting age-appropriate challenges at home? Dan Willingham’s flow chart for independence offers some guidance.

As a rule of thumb, if our children can do something by themselves, they should do it. And if they struggle, we shouldn’t step in.

But what if they don’t already know how to do something? Should we just throw them into the deep end and cross our fingers? 

In this case, we should provide some instruction first. In a Montessori classroom, this is called a lesson, and it’s how every material in the classroom is introduced. 

You’ll begin by demonstrating the skill you want your child to learn, such as pouring milk. Try to rely on your actions here, not your words, saying little to nothing as you walk your child through each step of the process. Then, give your child the opportunity to practice on their own — without rushing them.

At this stage, there’s no need to interrupt them or even correct them if they do something wrong. Learning is achieved by doing, not by being told what to do.

So, instead of interfering, notice where your child is struggling. You can present the skill again later, drawing their attention to the most challenging part of the process. 

If teaching them to do it isn’t an option, you can find ways to modify the skill or your environment so it’s more accessible for your child. Maybe all your kid needs to pour milk successfully is a child-sized pitcher or a low enough table to work on.

And as the flow chart suggests, if none of this is possible, you can find a way to have them help you (maybe they carry the pitcher of milk over to you, or they twist off the cap, or maybe they simply point to the milk in the fridge for you).

As we allow our kids to struggle, we can validate their feelings and, if applicable, encourage them to keep trying by saying something like, “Wow, zipping that jacket is tricky! Maybe you could give it one more try and see what happens.”

If, during their exploration, your child gets stuck and asks for help, give them the minimum amount of assistance necessary, and then step back again. For example, as your child struggles to put on their jacket, you might help hold the fabric taut so it’s easier for your child to pull up the zipper. Or, if they’re untying their shoes and the knot is stuck, you could loosen the knot but give your child space to finish the untying process.

Committing to not stealing the struggle is a practice in patience for both parents and children. Building frustration tolerance is a journey of a thousand tiny steps, and each success builds upon the last to strengthen your child’s core belief that they are capable. It’s this belief that keeps them motivated when the going gets tough — so don’t steal it from them!

The more successes they experience, the stronger they’ll be in the face of life’s challenges.

☀️ This week’s bright spots:

If you have one minute… Watch this video from Karolina (@TheMontessoriAdult) on how to use Dan Willingham’s flow chart for independence with your kids at home.

If you have five minutes… Check out this thread from Matt Bateman featuring his 7-month-old practicing frustration tolerance with learning to crawl!

If you have ten minutes… Read this piece from Samantha Westmoreland on how Montessori helps kids build resilience and grit.